Growing up to be strong.

credits to http://www.queen-of-arts.blogspot.com/ (i'm lovin it!)

Caution: Emotion-heavy post

Written The Night Before His Execution

Chidiock Tichbourne

My prime of youth is but a frost of cares;

My feast of joy but a dish of pain;

My crop of corn is but a field of tares;

And all my good is but a vain hope of gain;

My life is fled, and yet I saw no sun;

And now I live, and now my life is done.

The spring is past and yet it had not sprung;

The fruit is dead, and yet the leaves be green;

My youth is gone, and yet i am but young;

I saw the world, and yet i was not seen;

My thread is cut, and yet it is not spun;

And now I live, and now my life is done.

I sought my death, and found it in my womb,

I looked for life, and saw it was a shade,

I trod the earth and knew it was my tomb,

And now i die, and now I am but made:

The glass is full, and now my glass is run,

And now I live, and now my life is done.

This was the last piece of analysis i had to do for my Eng Lit paper. Speaking of irony, I wanted this to come out and thankfully it came out yet i did not do well in it. I'm now having a confusion of feelings. My results are coming out soon. REAL SOON, and i can't decide or should i say, prepare myself to face it. I want to know my results but i don't want to know my results for the fear of getting results worst than my expected ones, which are not very good, so if i did worst, you can roughly guess how bad it will be. Confusing eh? I'm a person with very low self-esteem because i always feel that there are so many people out there who work really really hard to achieve what they want and they deserve to get what they should. I know the fact deep within my heart that i've not work hard enough and i really feel sorry for my mum. She had spent so much time trying to help me work on my weak subjects and the teachers who decided to spare so much of their precious time to help me, I just couldn't bring myself to face the harsh reality that will hit me hard and bring me to the uttermost feeling of being guilty. I really don't know where can i gather courage that can help me through this. I guess it really depends on my faith with the Lord then. He will be my strength and courage, He will be there for me as he is everyday.

Visiting the hospital had always been part of my life routine. It IS my second home. I had a check up recently for my asthma and it appears that i now have healthy lungs! I've always wondered when i was younger whether or not i'll still need to come to the hospital when i reach the age of being an adult but the thought of being discharged from the asthma clinic never occurred to me. The doctor said if my well-controlled condition can go on for more than six months, I can be discharged the next time i visit the asthma clinic, which is 8th of August next year. I was actually really shocked when she said i could be discharged. It didn't feel as comforting as it should had been. I didn't know why until i gave a few days of thought about it. I think it was because i like feeling protected. It was a second home to me, and you know, one day they just tell that you don't have to come home that often anymore, you could even not come back if you feel well. I don't how i should feel, or how i should have any feelings for this. It was a place i feel connected to and to tell the truth, it's a place where i could find a spot for myself and feel safe in it, a place where i belong and love. It's a place i'll never forget for the rest of my life. I love the fact of being protected and that there'll be someone there for me whenever i feel hopeless and tired. It'll always be a shoulder to lean on. I think i'll be writing a poem for my second home, but it shall be processed a few times before i post it up ^^

I still have some stuffs to blog about but i've decided not to post the up in case it bores to death. I'll just keep them deep within my heart then. Thanks for reading all my problems!

Attitude.

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

-Winston Churchill

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.

-Maya Angelou

It's me again ^^

I wanted to blog about my first day of work actually but i was too tired for it.

Um...it has been a few weeks working already and it's....fine.

Working for the first time is EXCITING.

That's all i can say.

School's not starting yet though i've been TRICKED to go to school today but no one turned up.

I was decaying while waiting for my mum to finish work.

Today and tomorrow's off day for me~

Tee-hee =) but i'll be going to the hospital on wednesday for check-up though. Anyways...

What i wanted to say was I REALLY MISS MY FRIENDS!!!

I met Jia Yin yesterday at BASKIN ROBBINS when they were having their DISCOUNTS for the 31st of July which is also...

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY QING YI~

Hope you really enjoyed your birthday. Yin told me that they gave you a surprise! I really wished i was there. Oh, and to Agnes, sorry that i wasn't there when your grandfather rested in peace, or should i say sorry that i didn't know.

Thinking of these makes me face the fact that i've missed so many with my friends. I'm not really close to anyone anymore. I don't know what to say to them and it'll just be awkward silences between us. I MISS GOING TO SCHOOL. I was so excited when my mum told me school was going to start today but it didn't out. I guess i'll have to really wait till September.

I don't really know how to describe how i feel actually... i just feel really empty and not connected to anyone anymore. I feel friendless, is that such a word? I hope so.

Well... i think maybe it's related to the title of my post.

Attitude.

Maybe i just wasn't facing all these with the right attitude. Perhaps i wasn't making enough effort to update myself with my friends news. I'm not those who would text them daily, nor read their blog daily, not all of them at least, nor am i those who would find time to meet up with them though i think it's really hard to match both our schedules with the different things going on now. I think i should really reconsider how i treat my friends now.

I feel really guilty now. Sorry for not being considerate enough.

Oh well...i'm home alone tomorrow~ *evil grin*

I shall see what i can do!

Goodnight everyone!

May the Lord be with all of you.

Nowhere.

I don't know what to blog about.

Let's see...

Oh,I found a job! Gonna be working at The Gardens selling bubble tea at Level 2.

Never been there to see the stall so i can't describe it at all.

I've actually enrolled for A-Levels at the newly opened St.John International School, but due to the lack of numbers for the Humanities classes, my class could not start. Anyways, decided to work part-time with my sister, gonna officially start this Saturday. Currently in the state of being very nervous and excited but afraid that i cannot handle the job well. I guess that's the symptoms you get when it's your first time working,right?

Oh well,i guess going out to work is better than slacking at home doing nothing but wasting time.It makes me kinda dead and useless, as i'm not the diligent type. I've been a restless state recently. I CAN'T SLEEP. and it's bugging me cause i really really really wanna sleep. But when i start to sleep, i'll really really really fall into deep sleep till i think i can't sleep for a whole day. It's so depressing and i don't know why and how to solve the problem. My dark eye circles are tuning so dark that i think i'll turn into a panda sooner or later.

And i've been doing some knitting recently! It's FASCINATING. Tee-hee~ ^^

It was really out of the blue when my mum decided to teach me and my sister knitting when it's like 2 in the morning. I've been bugging her wanting to make things like my dear friend Chee Yen has been doing, those knitted cakes...etc. Haven't manage to start yet though.

Wow~ look how far i've came! I do have something to blog then.

Hehe ^^

Gratitude

credits to www.abeautifulrippleeffect.com

I'm FINALLY BACK. It's finally after exams and i'm currently..........not really doing anything.
I AM gonna find a part-time job in July cause i'll be going to Singapore next week. But here's the problem...I don't know what to do? I have to find one which is convenient for transport and not too far, the pay should be okay as i don't have any certs yet. Huh...this thing is bugging me.
Oh, back to my post. I wanna thank ALL of them who helped me for my exams. Let's see...

Thank You, Bro.Lai for helping me out with my maths for giving me intensive classes and such detailed and patient teaching. I hope i won't be too much of a burden. Also, THANK YOU for those organic meals!!!~ I think i got healthier having classes with you...AND those BIG-HUGE-GIGANTIC-ORGANIC BANANAS~ I loved them so much. It brought joy to my dad too^^
Thank You so much for helping me see math in a different way.
Thank You for being so supportive and encouraging.
Thank You for making me more confident with what i do.
Thank You for making me realize how much effort is needed to achieve something.
Thank You for making me work as hard as i needed to.
Thank You for telling me i'm not alone facing the battle.
Thank You for being there when i'm in that stage of growing.
Thank You for sacrificing your other classes for me.
Thank You for taking care of me like your own daughter.
Thank You.

AND, of course, to:
Mr.Troy,
Thank You for helping me out in my Literature paper. Although i doze out sometimes in your classes...but i really enjoyed them. Thank You for all those notes that you've prepared for me despite your busy schedules.
Thank You for sharing your knowledge with me (including those selfish ones =P)
Thank You for guiding me to a whole new world of Literature.
Thank You for all the efforts made to help me improve my writing skills.
Thank You for reminding me what it is to learn Literature.
Thank You for listening to my opinions in different matters.
Thank You for making my Literature classes so enjoyable.
Thank You for giving me confidence that i didn't know i had.
Thank You for giving me the strength to face my exams.
Thank You for helping me aim for better results.
Thank You for giving me hope for Literature.
Thank You for showing the different possibilities and outcomes in life.
Thank You for encouraging me to pursue the right path.
Thank You for being there for me.
Thank You.

It has really been a long time where i really worked hard for something. Having tutions for Math and Literature really reminded me of how hard i need to study. It was a great opportunity for me to experience the different stages of life.

Most of all, I thank the Lord for always being there for me.

Run.

It's March.

I kept reminding myself, there's no time to waste anymore. Keep running. But i just stood there and looked back. Oh Lord, when will you come? I'm definitely not ready for it yet.

I was wondering, if, we slowed down our pace in moving on, yet the world is still moving in its' pace, will we still get to see the same scenery the time we reach there?

There are voices telling me to just do it, and there are voices that are debating against it. I've heard someone saying recently that our human nature is the weak one. We are the ones who are not fighting against it. When then, will we get to learn that lesson?

There are so many things that are happening around us, why do we even have the time to think what people are thinking about us? Everyone is trying to get their job done but time, just has no ends.

I hate the time passing so fast!!! Or is it me, who's not trying hard enough? My exams are in May and i will have my first paper on my birthday! Argh, and guess what, it's my frenemy subject. Mathematics. I'm getting the hang of it here and there now but still... I'm not prepared to face it yet. Well, i guess i don't have the time to sit around anymore. I'm most possibly gonna be missing in action for these two months then, coming to think of it, i think i've always been MIA when it comes to blogging. But, i think it might be different this time due to my stress level. I might come on more often because i wanna de-stress myself here.

Phew~ i think i feel much better now.

Thanks for reading my stressful post recently.

I I

U

Learning it the hard way

I'm in trouble.

Do you get to take a closer look of the moon when you are on the airplane? That was what i was thinking when my brother left for Kuching in the 15th. The moon was so bright and clear. Would it be like a mirror to us in life? Would it give out more of its light to show us the right way? Would it show who we are deep within us? Would it... show us how innocent we used to be? The eyes of a Little Frieda, crying out to the moon.

How can we tell whether we made the right decision? How can we tell that it was not our mistake? How can we tell that we had no choice but to choose? How can we say "I wanna give up" without hurting the ones around you? How can you make yourself work harder when you don't have the heart to?

Why do you think it was the best decision?

Why then, am I in a misery?

Why do my hands tremble?

Why does my chest feel tight?

Why does my pillow feel wet every night?

Why...am i lost in the dark?

Letting it go

1 John 4:13 In this we know that we abide in Him and He in us,

that He has given to us of His Spirit.

Exactly ten days. That's how SOON it was. Pardon me for being so lazy these days. I've been really really really lazy. Anyways, i have some quite shocking news for some of my friends. I've made my decision for the subjects i'm taking for IGCSE. They are as follows:

1. First Language English

2. Second Language Mandarin

3. Malay as a Foreign Language

4. Mathematics

5. Chemistry

6. History

7. Literature

Yes. I've decided to drop Art. My favourite subject out of all. When the decision was made, i really felt relieved, not by the fact that i don't have to do art anymore but the fact that I've finally made my decision. It really made my day. Then, i see that sometimes instead of stubbornly holding on to something, we should learn to let go. I couldn't make up my mind because i wanted to do everything but in reality my ability and the time i have just doesn't make it possible and i was refusing to see it. Like i said before, the final decision comes to me. No matter what i choose, it'll still has to be my own effort in studying it.

Of course, my family were supportive in all aspects and I've decided to trust in the Lord this time.

Anyways, Happy New Year!!!!!

Roman 10:17

So faith comes out of hearing,

and hearing through the word of God.